Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Story of Taylor: A Birthday Retrospective

As legend has it, I was born in a dumpster in Phoenix, Arizona.

Well, perhaps that is a bit misleading. Maybe I was not born in said dumpster, but the family joke is that I was found there by my parents, picked out on the cheap. You know, free. Dumpster baby.

See, when my mom was pregnant, I guess their insurance required them to go to the "discount" hospital, or so my sister discerned one night over dinner when we were in high school. (Though my mom says it didn't end up being so "discount" once she demanded more drugs.) This devolved into a long running gag about me being fished out of the trash.

Such is my family's sense of humor.

Anyway, that's me. March 14th, 1988, rescued from refuse. Bargain baby.

Baby Taylor does not want sisterly love.

Other birthdays of note:

1992, Age 4: Had just moved to Los Altos, California, which necessitated an early birthday party in Phoenix prior to the big move. We have it on tape, and some amazing sisterly moments were captured. Like when one of my friends told me what my present was before I opened it, and my six year old sister shrieked, "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL!" Or when I opened a gift that was two presents together, a Barbie and a Skipper, and my sis snatched one from out of my hands and announced, "This one is MINE." I just sat there quietly. On my actual birthday, we were in a hotel, and my cake had nuts. I was not happy. To this day I do not believe nuts belong in my desserts.

1995, Age 7: We had a cake walk at school, and I won a cake! It became my birthday cake. It either had coconut, or nuts, I don't remember. I don't like coconut, or nuts, see above. WHY SO DISAPPOINTING, CAKE?

1999, Age 11: I had a sleepover with a big group of girls, and we went out disco bowling, which is the hip thing to do when you're a pre-teen. In case you don't know, disco bowling is regular bowling but with NEON LIGHTS and a SMOKE MACHINE and COOL HIP TUNES. And being super hot as we were, we wore PAJAMAS to bowl. My parents awkwardly danced and embarrassed me. Then we came home to find our big Akita Zeus had eaten half my birthday cake off the kitchen counter. But being the good dog that he was, he left plenty for the rest of us!

2001, Age 13: I had always wanted a surprise birthday party, and my parents threw me one at Chevy's! I fucking love Chevy's, to this day. I believe I hadn't planned on having a birthday 'cause I didn't have many real friends. This is a common theme throughout my life. I remember a really, REALLY awkward hug with my sister's fifteen year old boyfriend.

2004, Age 16: Another surprise party, though this one I knew was coming. A boy I was desperately in love with asked me, quite subtly, "If you were going to have a birthday party, who would you invite?" At least he tried, right? So, he throws me the party, board games and dorkdom and my father in the next room, it was oh so sweet, then three days later on my actual sweet sixteen, he broke up with me over AOL Instant Messenger to get back together with the girl he cheated on with me. Then I went ahead and dated him again when I was 21, and then he cheated on me again. And knocked her up. And married her. I really don't learn my lessons, do I? I'm getting side-tracked.

2007, Age 19: A college friend gave me a bag of weed as a present. That was pretty cool. I'm sure there was also drinking. Also, my birthday cake was decorated with Beauty and the Beast paraphernalia. Clearly my inner child is quite outer.

2009, Age 21: I had a party the weekend before at my apartment with all my best college girlfriends, and a few penises too. It was childhood regression themed. We listened to a playlist of Britney Spears and 'N Sync and other amazing 90s pop, and I wore a tiara, and my friends gave me a Belle from Beauty and the Beast Barbie. Again with the child. We played Mario Kart. It was awesome. Then on my actual birthday, since none of my girlfriends were 21 yet, a group of muscle-y crew guys took me out and got me trashed on "the Ave", my college's main strip of bars. One of them tried to hook up with me when he walked me home but I pretended I didn't notice it was happening and slammed the door in his face.

2010, Age 22: I had a bad boyfriend. He said he would get paid the next week, and buy me my present. He never did. Oh, and this was the same boyfriend from age 16.

Overall, I would say, a memorable history of birthdays. I can only hope something ridiculous happens today to add this one to the record books.


  1. Some of those birthdays sound pretty tragic! Did your bf cheat on you with the same girl both times? That would be a fun post to read. What a douche. At least he's her problem now and you're free to have happy birthdays!

    Hope you're making some great memories this year! Happy 25th!

    1. Haha, no they were different girls! That would make a pretty epic story though, wouldn't it?

      Thanks for the birthday wishes!

  2. I've been totally out of the loop for the past couple of days so I'm just getting caught up...but I hope you had an AWESOME b-day, from the looks of things though...I think ya' did!!!
    Happy belated!!

  3. I second that first comment! Douche! I can totally relate. Coming from a similar history, it sounds, I know what you're thinking. He's such a jerk and repeatedly mistreated me, so why does part of me still love him? I feel your pain. Writing and talking about my situation has really helped me move on. I would encourage you to write through it. Seems as though you have a supportive following. I'm probably not the only female in your audience that can relate through a similar situation. . Judging from comments on a post you wrote awhile back, it doesn't sound like he treats the new one any better. I always held onto a shred of hope mine would change but I think that is proof enough, guys like that just don't change. No matter who they're with they will always remain selfish. Hope my ramblings helped. I know how you're feeling. Stay strong. I love your writing! Keep up the good work.