Thursday, March 28, 2013

Times I Was Wrong

I know you may think I'm perfect. I hate to burst your beautiful rainbow bubble, but alas, I am quite flawed. There have been a few times in my life where I've just royally fucked it up. Sometimes actually, sometimes only in my own head. Part of my anxiety manifests itself in obsessing over thing that happened years ago---seriously, I will be sitting at home, enjoying a kitty cuddle and a flick, and a flash of some old misdeed will come to mind and I'll suddenly think, "I hate myself."

Fucked up, no?

Let's discuss.

Times I Was Wrong
A Not At All Comprehensive List

1) When I was in second grade and living in Saint Louis, my school was in a very wealthy part of the suburbs. Some of the students came in on buses from the inner city (is that phrase okay to use still?). When we had choir performances at night, you could sign up to have of these students come home with you for the afternoon since there wasn't time to bus all the way to the city and back. I can't remember the name of the girl who came home with me one day, but we were playing in my room, and she admired one of my stuffed animals, a little lamb. I spontaneously told her she could have it, and she was so so so happy, her entire face lit up and I felt all smug about my charitable good deed. But when we left for the concert that night, we both forgot, and the next day she meekly asked me about it. I never brought it to her, because I suddenly decided I didn't want to part with it even though I had dozens of other toys. I'm sure she did not have nearly as many. She never asked me about it again. I was a selfish bitch of a child.

2) When I was abroad in Ireland, the first night we were in the dorms, the girls on my floor invited me to come into the common room for birthday cake for one of them. I thought they were just being nice, and it wasn't a real invite. A girl from my program was having an emotional breakdown over her boyfriend back in the states, and I stayed with her and didn't go eat cake. The Irish girls barely spoke to me again, and it took me forever to realize I had been super rude. They were being REALLY nice, and it was a genuine invitation, not just a pleasantry. But I'm actually not as good at social cues as I like to think I am.

3) Along the same lines: there was a girl in college who tried very hard to be my friend, and I really didn't realize it until years later. In my fucked up self-hating brain, I somehow interpreted her overtures of friendliness as...what, again, just being nice because she thought she had to be? Who knows. Eventually she stopped trying, and I feel awful thinking back that she must have thought I didn't like her, when in reality I was so stuck in my own dark hole of depression that I couldn't recognize her kindness for what it was.

4) I had a best friend my freshman year of college, who became a roommate sophomore year with two other girls, and our relationship deteriorated severely and we stopped speaking by the end of that following summer. I was never honest with her about why I no longer wanted to be her friend, and I should have been.

5) There was this very dramatic situation a few years back with my best friend getting a new girlfriend who did not like me. In retrospect, I probably didn't make it very easy for her to like me, while I didn't have any romantic feelings for my friend he was definitely the biggest part of my life at the time and I was very possessive of him and our time together. I don't actually think I was wrong in my opinion of her, she just wasn't my cup of tea the couple of times we hung out and she seemed shallow and cruel, but I probably could have handled the whole thing a lot better. And maybe I wouldn't have lost my friend. But he was spineless about the whole thing, so whatever, he clearly didn't care about our friendship very much. Oh, right, this is about ME being wrong. Yes, I was wrong: should have been more flexible, less selfish, not quite such a superior cow. Guys will always pick the girl they can fuck over the one they can't, I should have realized that and backed the hell off. And hey, they're still together, so I guess I was entirely wrong. And maybe she's lovely.

6)  My friend thought she looked fat in a picture I took recently, and I'm afraid my response to her made her think I agreed, which is absolutely not the case. 'Cause she's bitty and beautiful. I'm sorry, friend. I would apologize directly, but I don't want to bring it up and have you think I've been obsessing as much as I have.

7) A few weeks ago, a coworker was watching a YouTube video when I walked by. I cannot keep my goddamn mouth shut, ever, so I blurted out, "Oh, is that the goat video?" Just for good measure, when they didn't reply, I repeated myself. Ruining the video for them, effectively. I'm sure they didn't care, the video was still funny regardless of whether or not I mentioned the goat...which, actually, they knew was the case because it's in the title. But you would not believe how long I obsessed over how stupid I was for ruining this dumb video.

Which is hilarious.


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