Friday, March 15, 2013

Feed My Heart

So at my largest I used to date this guy who, to put it quite bluntly, liked that I was a bigger girl.

I mean, really. He phrased it that way once, not in quite those terms, but in a gentler, more roundabout way. I was really down on myself and my flab, bemoaning the depths of my curves, the expanse of my thighs, and he told me, "But I like all this, this is what I find sexy!" as he grabbed at my hips and my ass, laying a kiss on my forehead. Sweet.

Anyway, that's not my point. My point was that he liked me bigger, and he would feed me.

In retrospect, it was kind of creepy? The way he was super bad for my health, 'cause he indulged my bad habits and would binge with me 'cause he was a dude and could EAT. He made me feel like it was okay. It wasn't full on feeder status which I'm pretty sure is a thing in porn and now this is going in an really weird direction and I want to stop now GET ME OUT OF THIS SENTENCE but yeah, anyway, no good at all.  I never even thought of ordering multiple meals at the drive through till this douche, I seriously lost 20 pounds after our breakup just because I wasn't around him. Thank god I have none of him anymore.

This came to mind today as I thought, "Oh hey, yesterday was my birthday...I could date again, if I wanna."

But I don't wanna.

I mean, I do. But I don't. 'Cause I'm still pretty unstable, clearly, and I have a feeling introducing a dick into that equation (take that any way you choose, literally or figuratively) would be a bad idea.

Plus, you know, two nights in Vegas threw me totally off track this week. Maybe it's not such a good idea to try to introduce a big change into my newest attempt at a healthy lifestyle, like oh say, every week going out for drinks and dinner with manpeople, maybe eventually finding a boyfriend who ISN'T on a diet. I mean, obviously, you shouldn't center your life around your weight loss and you shouldn't avoid socializing to avoid calories, but I do think I need to get used to living life a certain way again before I turn it on its head.

So yeah, still not with the dating of other people, will continue dating me. It seems to be going well. Yoga and introspection and self care is what it's all about. Feed my heart. And once I really feel secure in my new habits, once I'm all full up on love for myself, then I'll go force someone else to love me.

Or find me a gigolo.

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