Thoughts from the shallow end.

Guys...I'm aging.

Rapidly.

It's fucking Benjamin Button in reverse up in this bidniz.

Honestly, until a few months ago, I really thought I looked just the same as I did in college. I look in the mirror and see the same slight-babyface staring back at me as always.

But no.

This babyface is decaying.

First of all, I really need to stop raising my eyebrows all the time. Every picture of me. I clearly think it's cute, but it's just not, and overnight I have developed PERMAWRINKLES. WRINKLES THAT DON'T GO AWAY. My forehead is notebook paper.

What the fuck is that bullshit?

And my eyes. In the space of a few weeks, it's like crows feet AHOY! I must stop smiling, or making any facial expressions at all. No more happiness.

I'M MELTING.

Yes, I realize everyone over the age of 25 is hating on me right now. Because I'm fucking obnoxious. But that's okay, I'm always obnoxious, so you really should be used to it at this point.

I need a case of eye cream and some Botox. Stat.