Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The Potential Possibility

An opportunity fell from the sky this week. This opportunity intrigued me enough to look into it, and now I'm a twisted ball of anxiety over it.

Of course.

The opportunity is to potentially move just down the street (like, not even a five minute drive) into a two bedroom, two bath apartment with a girl I knew in high school. We weren't really friends, we had friends in common but were never close ourselves, which is probably the best circumstances for a potential roommate situation. Basically, she had gotten in touch with me about my yoga training a few weeks ago, then I saw that she was looking for a roommate, and on a whim I asked her about it, and checked out the place on Monday night.

And that night, I was so excited.

Basically...I've been feeling really lonely. And I was thinking that maybe moving in with someone would help eradicate this loneliness. But after looking at the place (which is great) and re-meeting the girl (who is also great), I slept on the problem, thought about it all day yesterday, and am thinking now that a move is not right for me. At least not right now.

I think I was so optimistic about the possibility because I was hoping it would totally overhaul my lifestyle. I was falling victim to magical thinking about change. I got it into my head that I could move into a new apartment and everything about my life would suddenly be different. I'd have a built in social life, a built in new friend, a built in opportunity to be someone better and different. But that's, well, stupid. Things don't change just because your environment does. The only thing that would change if I moved is that I would have, you know, a roommate. And yes, I would maybe have more opportunities to socialize, but I could make my own opportunities while still living alone, and that's what I need to focus on.

Moving won't save me that much money. Moving won't really improve my sanity. Moving will give me someone to talk to, sure, but maybe I don't always want that. I like my solitude, most of the time. I like being in charge of my own space, having just Bentley to answer to.

I don't know. I'm going to discuss it with my therapist tonight, but right now I'm thinking the answer is no, but clearly something needs to change. I want to be happier. And to be happier, I need to make an effort.

Sorry if this post is all over the place.


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