Modern Day Love Letters: V.2

For V.1, go here.

As I have mentioned, I don't reply to every message I receive on OkCupid. I average maybe 10-15 a day right now, which is kind of a lot, and I figure a politely worded rejection is just a waste of their time and mine.

But sometimes, oh sometimes, I want to reply. Just to fuck with people. Because I am a bitch.

One gentleman inquired how I managed to alphabetize my favorite movies and musicians, and I replied, "By knowing the alphabet?" I don't think he really got it. And there was that other guy I tried to mess with, but that was a failure too. Maybe I'm just not that funny.

Look, I know it's a jungle out there, guys. And it is infinitely more difficult to be a dude dater on the Internet than it is to be a lady. You have to do all the work, I just sit there as the messages roll in and judge you mercilessly. But come on, bros. You can do better than this. I promise you, I can tell when you copy pasted your message. I can tell. Especially if you accidentally paste it twice.

Put a little effort in, I think it will pay off. It doesn't even have to be a LOT of effort. "Hey, I loved your profile. (Insert specific comment about her profile here so she knows you read it.) (Insert something you have in common.) (Insert interesting fact about yourself.) I hope to hear back from you."

Wham. Bam. Done. Halfway decent message, might get you laid.

But no. I get shit like this:


"Why are you on this site?"

(Because I am a cat-having, exboyfriend-stalking, voodoo doll-making CRAZY PERSON.)

"How long have you been single?"

(Only about fifteen minutes, I really hate to be alone.)

"Hey how are you and how was your day and how was your weekend???"

(Well, I'm doing alright today, my stomach feels a little off but I think that might be because I've subsisted on Flamin' Hot Cheetos for two days, and I'm really dealing with a bit of an existential crisis, and I spilled olive oil on my shirt, and my nose itches. My day was fine though, it began at 8:15 AM, would you like a timeline of events? I can definitely provide that if you're so inclined. As well as a detailed log of what I ate today. (Cheetos.) As for my weekend, I never put on pants, so really I'm going to call it a success.)

"chat?"

(Chien?)

"sexy pics"

(For $19.99 a day you can access a whole website of sexy pics, I'm just gonna need your credit card information and SSN.)

"wanna fuck?"

(In general? Sure. You? No.)