Friday, July 20, 2012

Modern Day Love Letters

Most messages I get on OkCupid max out at five words. They often look like this:

"Hey sup"

"You're gorgeose, wanna chat?" 

"yo mama"

Obviously, I am completely flattered by these messages and feel a near-irresistible pull towards the fine gentleman who send them, but there's only so much time in a day. And I have to save my energy to reply to the winners who send messages like these:

"Hello..........For sure your Dad must be a Big Drug Dealer"

(No? But...thanks?)

"i thought you were attractive, so i just wanted to say hi and see if youre interesting..."

(Not even a little bit.)

"What's your policy on casual sex?"

(I don't feel that good about it.)

"What exactly do you mean by you're perky?"

(It's a word, look it up. And no, I'm not talking about my boobs.)

"Hey I have a 7 inch dick and no refractory period meaning I'm like the energizer bunny when it comes to sex. I can go all night. Would you be up for meeting for drinks? If you're, I'll send you a picture."

(A picture of WHAT?!?!)

And the winner...

"boring chick but with a little bit of fire, nice for some grudge banging and leaving"

(We're eloping this weekend.)

For more exposure to the terrifying world of online dating, check out OKCupid Enemies, It's Not A Match, and Annals of Online Dating.

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