Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Seven in Seven

My biggest problem?

I often eat my feelings.

You probably know just what I mean. (And if you don't, lucky you.) When I'm experiencing the raw feelings of disappointment, or anger, or even just loneliness, it's so tempting to try to fill whatever void with something, anything, and food is just...easy. I know consciously that nothing I put in my mouth is really going to fix what's wrong, but a) food is delicious and b) for a little while, I do feel better. I have a distraction. I have an activity. Plus, again: delicious.

This problem has reared its ugly head recently. Hard. And I'm angry at myself for allowing my emotions control me, allowing other people to affect my emotions, getting stuck in this cycle of giving myself permission to indulge then taking it too far. It's insecurity, it's self-sabotage, it's destructive, it's super fucking annoying. 

I've been a yoga ninja this week. This morning's class made seven days in a row, finally succeeding at that self-assigned challenge from a month ago. It's sort of weird how the more I go, the easier it gets? It's like practice makes perfect, or something. Odd. Anyway, I even hiked this weekend too, almost 900 calories of sweaty hilly goodness. Way more exercise than I have ever gotten in one week in my whole life, quite literally.

And I've balanced it out with dark chocolate, peanut butter filled cupcakes. Chipotle burritos. Nutella via spoon. Et cetera.  But, I guess in the grand scheme of things I haven't been doing too terribly? At least I still exercised, and balance is good, sometimes.

So, seven days of yoga, plus seven pounds on the scale.

Obviously, I didn't really gain seven whole pounds. That's impossible, I would have had to eat a ridiculous amount of calories, something like 20,000+! But with unfamiliar sugars and sodium and carbs in my body and tons of exercise straining my muscles, that's the number that greeted me this morning. Lovely.

It's so easy to slip into bad habits, and so hard to fight against that backslide. It's just so much simpler to give into the familiar, to return to the ways you used to find comfort, to give into that voice in your head that says "might as well..." I get stuck in negative thoughts, rationalize why it's really fine. And no matter what I tell myself, I always regret it.

My Weight Watchers week starts over on Wednesdays, so today is a fresh new start. And we know how I adore those. I will not stay stuck in this cycle of punishment, of permission, of pain, when all it does is make me feel worse in the end. I will find my way back to the positive, kind way I've been treating myself for months. I will not regress back to that weak person. I will get the fuck over it.

Shit happens. Mistakes are to be expected. Anyone can succeed with ease if pushed and pulled forward by the power of momentum, but being able to start again when you've lost your way---that's a sign of true strength. 

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