Lucille and Mitt

This link deserved its own post.

If you're a fan of "Arrested Development" and a reasonable person who recognizes the inherent uselessness of Mitt Romney, I promise this will be the best part of your day.

Lucille and Mitt

Lost in the Internet

I felt down the rabbit hole of the Internet this morning.

It's a strange place.

Follow me.

New Mexico Town Down To Just One Officer: A Dog Named Nikka
Nikka don't fuck around. Nikka gonna protect this town like it was her doghouse, yo. Nikka ain't scared of you.

Enslaved Worker Ants Fight Back Through Acts of Sabotage
I KNEW I KNEW I FUCKING TOLD YOU ANTS ARE EVIL THEY HAVE MINDS AND THEY HAVE PLOTS. I fucking hate ants.

Tom Hiddleston speaks Spanish, French, Italian & Greek: would you hit it?
Yes. Yes I would. Hard. And he's a ginger...might just be reviving my love. Mmm. French.

Romney Doesn't Know Why Airplane Windows Don't Open, Calls The Closed Window Policy 'A Real Problem'
Hahahahahahaha...*sobs*

Woman Shoots Husband in the Stomach After He Threatens to Harm Her Cat
I'm sorry, this seems perfectly reasonable to me. JUSTIFIABLE ASSAULT.

Republicans and Democrats Are Less Tolerant of Interparty Marriage 
What do I always say? Don't fuck a Republican.

Vegas Part Two: Battery Powered Mambo?

Guess where I'm going in two weeks?

VEGAS.

Guess who I'm going with?

NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS OKAY?

....

Well now it's just awkward.

Okay, so I'm meeting some girls in Vegas. Awesome girls, fun girls...girls I've never met because we talk on the Internet. So, if I never post again after October 12th, you'll know that I likely ended up in a tub of ice, kidney removed, maybe my liver, perhaps some bone marrow....

In all seriousness though, I am VERY excited about meeting up with this group of righteous bitches, and we will no doubt have a fantabulous time sinning it up. I feel very adult driving to Vegas by myself to meet a bunch of weird strangers without a chaperone.

VEGAS.

Carmageddon Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

If you're from LA, you know the tale of the dreaded 405 closure. Carmageddon.

Last year, or maybe the year before, I don't know and I'm too lazy to look it up, the city shut down the 405 Freeway for a weekend of construction. Warnings were given. Everyone was told to stay home. The news channels declared that our very own Armageddon was coming---there would be mass confusion in the streets, stranded drivers parked on side streets, staggering around with glazed eyes and bloody mouths...You get the picture.

So, I live right next to the 405. Four blocks from the entrance, on a pretty main street in LA. And when Carmageddon came...it was not bad. At all. Pretty much, everyone DID stay home. I walked the streets in my neighborhood and they were basically abandoned...some post apocalyptic shit.

Well, this weekend is Carmageddon Part Two: The Return of No Freeway Access. And my guess is, everyone will be complacent. Everyone will think, "Oh, last time wasn't so bad..." Lulled into a false sense of security. And that's what they want. THAT'S WHAT THE ZOMBIES WANT.

Oh wait, I've confused myself.

On my way to work this morning there really did seem to be a surplus of cars on the road. People fleeing the city? Rushing around for food and provisions in case the very structure of our society collapses? WHO KNOWS?

I plan to proceed with life as normal. If I end up trapped on Santa Monica Blvd, crying into my steering wheel frantically clawing at the windows screaming for heellllllp...I'll be sure to Tweet*.

*Do we capitalize tweet? Tweet? I'm such a virgin.

Today's Random Thoughts

*If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting something different, then I am most definitely certifiable.

*I have to give up Diet Coke. My visit to the dentist yesterday was convinced me of this fact. Mourn with me.

*Is it racist that I always let my landlady go to voicemail, because she has a very heavy accent, and it's just so much easier to let her leave a message than to have a conversation with her?

*I now have to manually open and shut a big huge gate to my apartment. I am irritated. But since it's to prevent homeless people from sleeping behind our building, I guess I shouldn't whine about it. I would, however, appreciate them installing some expensive new gate, so I don't have to drag my ass in and out of the car and pull the gate open and shut every damn time I want to go somewhere. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

*I love it when one of my various liberal email subscriptions results in an message in my inbox with the subject, "I accidentally bought a meth lab."

*This is what happens when I decide to indulge in (okay, binge on) something delicious and it is placed in front of me.

*This is what happens just after consuming a vast amount of that something delicious, because you have apparently regressed to having the self control of a drunk toddler.

*New Internet Discovery Of The Week (and by that I mean, everyone else probably already knows who this person is, but I have only recently been clued in and thus it's my "discovery"): Kelly Oxford

*Have I mentioned my phone is kind of broken? My phone is kind of broken. But I'm procrastinating going to the Apple store, because I always feel like the people there are better than me.

*Look at the view I woke up to today:

I think he was watching me sleep...

*I swear to some supreme being that if I don't hear about that job by tomorrow I am gonna....do something. Angry. ANGRY.

*I want a Diet Coke.

What is this fuckery?

So, guys.

I wore Outfit E today from my list of interview options. Black cardigan instead of blazer.

And there is another woman in my office, no joke, basically wearing the exact same outfit. Black cardigan. Gray dress. Black leggings and boots.

It is eerie.

Is she totally SWF-ing me?

Should I kill her?

I must contemplate.

Waaaaant.

I HATE WANTING THINGS.

I am pretty sure I've made this statement before. Yes, I have. To quote myself:

"In life, I hate wanting things. If I want something too much I turn into a sizzling knot of white-hot anxiety, and I do not handle disappointment well."

This remains true. I hate wanting things because I so rarely get what I want.

And I. Want. This. Job.

I think the interview went well. I really think it did. But I could also be completely delusional, have you ever thought about that? WELL HAVE YOU?! I could be wrong. Maybe it was awful. 

But you know, if I am wrong, then I don't want to work there anyway, right? Because they thought I was awful. Which is not true. Obviously.

I feel like I answered their questions well, I was honest and diplomatic and my usual peppy self. I made them all laugh. I got into a conversation about whether or not we could convince people to pay money for "cold yoga" and do yoga in a freezer. I ended up wearing outfit F, and left the blazer on the whole time, and felt thoroughly appropriate.

Supposedly, I will hear soon. For now, I just wait.

I hate waiting.

And wanting.

Interview Style Options: Take Two

So, I asked some ladies for advice on my two interview options, and the variety of opinions managed to talk me out of both.

1) I really don't want to wear blue jeans. I know it's appropriate, I know it's probably expected, especially in this company culture, but I just don't think I feel comfortable with it. I will have enough things to obsess over after the interview tomorrow, I don't want to be wondering if I underdressed and seemed unprofessional. Honestly, I feel like I do have a bit of a babyface, so I want to combat that with my clothes.

2) I tried on my black jeans and they actually do work with the blazer as long as I'm wearing a top long enough to break up the color. So if I wear pants, I'll wear those.

3) I did buy leggings. I <3 leggings. And a top, but I think it may actually be ugly and I was blinded by the bright lights of Marshalls. I might return it.

I NEED HELP. If you're out there in Internet land, I'd love a little input! Comment with your thoughts, and  promise to say hi.

Okay, so imagine makeup. And hair. And jewelry. And less ridiculous faces. GO:

A. The new top, with two different shoes. I don't think I like it,
I feel as though it erases my waist.

B. Like this dress. May be too juvenile of a silhouette
for an interview. Plus, short.

C. Love this dress, love it with the blazer. But is it too
fancy exits past the casual turnoff?

D. Inherited this dress from my mama, and I like it a lot.
Can't decide if it's too short...but I AM wearing leggings.
Problem: off-white in dress, white in blazer?

E. Probably too casual. But I am stoked on how baggy
 this is on me, considering it used to be quite tight.

F. May be my favorite. Got this top last weekend with my
mother, and had nixed it for being pink. But I think it works!

Interview Style Options

I have an interview tomorrow for what is, at this stage in my life, my dream job.

"But Taylor," you say with a confused frown. "I thought you had no aspirations or goals."

This is true.

By dream job, I mean:

1) I am qualified for it.
2) I think I would actually be good at it.
3) It would not involve cleaning up after lazy, entitled bitches.
4) It pays more money.
5) It's for a cool company.
6) It's close to home.
7) They would subsidize a nice gym.
8) I bet a lot of cute eye candy works there.
9) It's a change.
10) And we all know I need a change.

I had a standard, conservative interview outfit all picked out and ready to go, with the assistance of my stylish mommy. Black pencil skirt, black blazer, a fun blouse, and patent leather snakeskin heels (HOT). But when my contact at the company sent me all the details, she made a point of saying that they're a casual office, "so feel free to dress comfortably".

Well, shit.

I definitely still want to dress professionally and look appropriate, but considering she made a point of mentioning the laid-back atmosphere, I don't want to look or feel stuffy and conservative. Plus, during my phone interview the recruiter made a point to mention that they want to hire people who fit in with the company culture, so I want to show that I am relaxed and can go with the flow. And can, you know. Read.

So now, I have a conundrum.

What to wear?

I've been slowly rebuilding my wardrobe since reaching the general range of my goal weight, but I still don't have a ton of choices, unfortunately. I decided to wear jeans, nice ones, since my black jeans don't match my blazer (I hate mismatched blacks), I no longer own slacks, and I don't have a more casual skirt. I figure most of the people I will be meeting with will be in jeans, so I'm comfortable with that. And I got a sexy new pair of boots a few weeks ago, and while it's still 80+ motherfucking degrees in LA, it's almost October and I wanna wear boots. I just think heels with jeans is a bit "try hard" for this situation, and I don't want to stick with my trusty flats. That's a bit TOO relaxed. So my bottom half is good, but my top half...

I eliminated any shirt that was a) lace b) ruffled or c) pink on the grounds that this company is definitely not a "girly" company. And as that makes up about 99% of my wardrobe, that pretty much left me with NO toptions. (Top options. I'm hilarious.) And of the options I did have left, many were sadly taken out of the running due to their "off-whiteness" clashing with the white trim of my hot new Talbot's blazer.

So, after a brief time playing dress-up in my closet this weekend, an experiment cut short by the fucking terrible heat, I came up with only two options.

The blue top was the blouse purchased for my original interview ensemble. The salmony orange top can also be seen in this fashion post. Same jeans, jacket and boots for both options.

I'm leaning towards the second outfit. Fun color, flowy relaxed top, but still put together. Plus, less cleavage. I don't know about jewelry, though...stick with my Om necklace from outfit one? My colorful jewels from this post? Or I have some stud earrings...TOO MANY DECISIONS.

I might just have to go shopping today.

Knitting is Knotty

Have I mentioned I like to knit?

Well, I do. I haven't done it in awhile. But I do.

I'm not super fancy with it, I need to expand my repertoire beyond scarves, headbands and arm warmers, but it's a lot of fun. Rather zen.

I decided this week that I really need to start crafting again. I waste so much time at home doing nothing, when I could be making shit! I have insane amounts of yarn, and I absolute must use it up before I'm allowed to buy anything new.

Check out this ridiculousity:

I know, right? That's many dollars of yarn. Many projects.

Here's one in-progress project from a year or so go:

And knitting aside, there are other crafts I want to try. Pinterest is inspiring. I need to use my hands. So keep your eyes peeled for craft posts, coming soon!

"Proof That Cats Are Better Than Dogs"

Happy Friday!

Enjoy some laughs.

I cheated.

I weighed myself today.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But I'm PMS-y all over the place, and this has resulted in snacky snacky. I needed to check in.

I'm right where I thought/wanted/hoped to be, 145. Still maintaining that -50 lbs.

Let's stay there.

Visual Memories: May 20th, 2008 11:43 PM - Paris, France

Puppy Party

Last night I drove out to the Valley to meet up with my core group of best friends + significant others. We had a delicious dinner at The Married Couple's house, enjoyed boisterous and inappropriate conversations, and played with puppies.

Lots of puppies.

BFF-without-a-nickname adopted a new baby a week ago, and he is just about the cutest fucking thing. She also has another rescue pup who is one of the more hilarious creatures I have ever met, and The Married Couple have the sweetest big little darling.

I, of course, went crazy with pictures.

SO PRECIOUS. Look at his little underbite!

Such a lovely, well-behaved lady! Very gentle with the bitty pup.

The Regal Queen, eyeing her new brother.

PLAYTIME!

Very tired after his busy busy day.

A Night In

I could not decide what to watch last night. I tried a number of things, and turned them all off within a minute.

Clearly, I just needed brain candy. So I spent the evening watching "My Fair Wedding with David Tutera" and cuddling my cat.

I feel shame.

Clearly his new favorite spot.

Prosciutto and Goat Cheese Salad

So handsome.

Mother Date Style

My wonderful mother drove all the way down from Santa Barbara yesterday to spend the afternoon with me in Santa Monica. Probably because I'm a pathetic loner with no friends? Regardless, we had a grand time per usual.

We enjoyed lunch at my most favoritest sushi place, Sugarfish, then took in a matinee movie across the street. We saw "The Intouchables", a French film that is just about the best movie I have seen in probably a year. SO GOOD. Highly recommended. Painfully beautiful.

• Top by One Clothing
• Shorts by Declaration of Democracy
• Flats by H&M
• Necklace by Forever 21
• Purse by H&M

Life Is Hard

I go to work, I go to yoga, I go home to shower to prevent stinking up the office upon my return...

And this little asshole has not moved one inch. What a hard life he leads.

Bitch.

Saturday Night Style

I went out.

Into the world. Hollywood, to be exact.

It was fun!

I should do it again.

House of Blues on the Sunset Strip

• Dress by Material Girl
• Shoes by H&M
• Earrings by Guess
• Purse by H&M
• Headband by Bondi Bands

Things I don't need to see on Facebook.

Some people desperately need a tutorial on acceptable Facebook etiquette. Clearly, I am an expert on the subject. I have a degree.

I mean, my GOD PEOPLE.

I do not want to see...

• Live-updating of how many centimeters you are dilated during labor. 
• Paragraphs describing your shift at work crisis by crisis. 
• Closeup shots of your bloody wounds. 
• Daily updates on the status of your nose job.
• Thinly-veiled, passive-aggressive attacks on one of your friends.
• Multiple self shot photos from the same angle with the same facial expression. 
• Pictures with any sort of added hearts, stars, or text.
• Ignorant regurgitation of conservative talking points with no basis in fact.
• TyPiNg LiKe ThIs.
• typn lk dis.
• Intimate details about your sex life.
• Intimate details about your bodily processes.
• Detailed descriptions of what you ate today.
• I'm sure there's more, but I'm done for now.

Yogi Countdown

10... Days I'd like to go to yoga in a row.

9... Times I change my mind every day before going straight from work.

8... Limbs of yoga I want to study.

7... Chakras I need to access.

6... Seconds I've held crow pose.

5... Fingers stretched out towards the sky.

4... Inches between the ground and my hand in half moon pose.

3... Pounds I lose in water weight.

2... Hands pressed together in prayer.

1... Hour of sweaty, stretchy bliss.

Good Thoughts

Magical Couscous Delight

I have not been cooking much.

Cooking is hard. And it makes a mess of my kitchen.

A few weeks ago, I made Emily Bites' Cheesy Chicken Cups, which were pretty tasty but not a repeat. Totally forgot to take pictures. And I made her Taco Wrap Deluxes again. Yummmm. Then there was my Dark Period of not eating good at all...let's forget about that. Since then, I've been subsisting on salads and Lean Cuisines, needing the structure and regularity of easy meals.

But today, I decided to branch out.

And I made a recipe.

And it was FUCKING DELICIOUS.

Emily Bites, of course. We love her. Couscous with prosciutto, asparagus and mushrooms...aka, three of my very favorite things. I definitely recommend this recipe. Flavorful, decadent, and good for you!

Someday...

...I will have a job that doesn't involve cleaning up people's messes and getting stains all over my clothes.

...I will live in an apartment where the water heats up in less than 10 minutes.

...I will learn how to cook recipes with more than five ingredients.

...I will date a guy who actually knows how to court a lady.

...I will wash my hair with shampoo that costs more than $4.

...I will have a yard and a dog to frolic in it.

...I will be able to afford both a yoga membership and a gym membership.

...I will be so important I never have to wait in line. (This is my life goal.)

More, More, More

I continue to be introspective. Who needs a therapist?

I have realized that I am very hard to satisfy. I always want more.

If I have a cupcake, I want two. Or four. Or nine. If I buy a dress, I want shoes. If I drink a Diet Coke, I need a refill. If I start watching a TV show, I need to watch six episodes. If I lose two pounds, I wish I had lost three. If my night is amazing, I never want it to end. If I'm drunk, I want to be drunker, if I'm high, higher, happy, happier, sad, sadder. I can never get enough.

I think this is why I let myself get sucked into these weeks of depression. If I'm going to be sad and self-destructive, I might as well go all out and be as terrible as I can possibly be. I can't just mess up once, I have to fuck up so royally, create such a clusterfuck of awful that it's nearly impossible to pull myself back up.

And it's hard for me to be in the moment. I'm always thinking towards the next thing, what's coming up, what do I have to do or change or be. Even in moments of pure entertainment or pure relaxation, I find my mind moving towards what comes later, even if it's not something I look forward to.

The future is always in the back of my mind.

There could always be more.

I don't know why I'm like this. It manifests itself it good ways, sure, but in so many negative ones too. I need to find out why I'm so hard to please, why I'm always sure that more is better, that more will make me happier. I know it won't. I know that consciously. But it doesn't really help.

These are just my thoughts. I'm going to chew on them a bit.

Tasty.

My Superpower Returns

A few months ago, I shared stories of my superpower with you all. It's not the most useful superpower. I cannot summon it on command. But occasionally, it does come in handy.

Like last night, for example.

I had just crawled into bed, a little later than usual, after I finished watching a romance-focused episode of "Bones". (Sidenote: I know he's a douche in real life but I do LOVE me some David Boreanaz.) I had boys on the brain, so naturally, my thoughts drifted to the last boy I dated, the much maligned Ginger.

And my phone went off.

My brain instantly said, "Ginger?! No, don't be a fucking idiot, it's your BFF." (We had been texting all night.)

So I check my phone.

AND LO AND BEHOLD.

It was a much appreciated, sincere apology from the Ginger. He said he'd been wanting to say sorry to me but kept thinking it was too late. Of course, it's never too late for an apology, so I am so glad he put on his big boy pants and got in touch. I now have closure.

And the fact that he realized, acknowledged, and apologized for his dickishness makes me feel like maybe I wasn't completely wrong about him as a person. Stupid and immature, yes, but not evil-hearted. So that's nice. And getting an apology after this long validates all my bitching and bad feelings, because clearly he has been dwelling on how he treated me. It's always nice to know someone has been thinking about you.

So, my list of expected apologies is back down to one. I don't expect to ever get that one, though. If I did, it would go something like this:

"Sorry I cheated on you and then knocked her up and married her..."

That would just be awkward.

Santa Barbara Love

Sometimes I hate going to Santa Barbara.

Only because I get so sad when I have to leave again. There may have been a few tears on the drive home.

I had an absolutely glorious weekend, a much needed mini-vacation from the stifling stress of Los Angeles. The second I step out of my car when I arrive at my parents' house, I instantly feel a wave of peacefulness wash over me. Salt in the air, a chill in the breeze, people I love...

Paradise.

I always think about moving back. Not yet, not right now, but maybe someday. 

View from my parents' balcony. Yeah, that's the ocean. SUCK IT.

Friday night I enjoyed dinner with my parents, and then spent some time hanging out and chatting at the BFF's adorable little house. The next day I had a glorious facial (I'm glowing like a pregnant woman), lunch with my mama, then shopping with my two besties. Stayed within my self-designated budget and ended up with a dress and a shirt from Marshalls, and two pairs of flats, a necklace and a bracelet from Forever 21. My mama then made dinner for me and my concert buddy, a delicious healthy meal eaten out on the back patio in the gorgeous warm evening weather, and we spent some time appreciating the adorableness of my parents' pup.

LOOK AT THAT FACE.

Then we went to the incredibly epic Gotye concert, which was a magical experience. He is so insanely talented. And hot. I want to have his Belgian Australian babies. Then BFF and I impulsively walked downtown, and really, Santa Barbara at night is just a stunningly beautiful sight.

Santa Barbara Courthouse

We planned to just have a single beer at our favorite pub, but we ended up meeting a bachelor party full of lawyers. Which is basically standard operating procedure for us at this point. I swear, every time she and I go out, we end up chatting with a bachelor party, or lawyers, or both. Apparently S.O.P. is also that the cute, successful guy from LA that flirts with me will always be married. Harrumph. (He hid his left hand under the table for the first hour of conversation. Sneaky ringed bastard leading me on.) Oh, and one of the guys told me that I look like Minka Kelly, which is just about the nicest bullshit I've ever heard. We closed the bar down, then went back to her place and sat under the stars, wishing on those that fell and talking about life. We're very deep.

Sunday was spent with my mother, and I count my blessings (non-religious connotation) every day that I have such an amazing relationship with her. We just had a fabulously fun day. We had lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara, Los Agaves on Milpas, and then...there was more shopping. A lot of shopping. There are holes in my wardrobe, okay?! It was necessary! I needed things! LOTS OF THINGS. Boots, work shirts, a maxi dress, pants, a blazer for future interviews, workout tank...I worship at the altar of consumerism. And now I'm poor...though of course, my generous mother did help. And also, my BFF (she really needs a blog nickname) gave me a few hand-me-downs! I now have a goal pair of jeans (they WILL fit soon), a pleather jacket, and a lace top that I always coveted. 

After shopping Mama and I had dinner and chatted until I finally dragged myself to my car to drive home. It was a lightning-quick journey, luckily, and I was back to LA by bedtime. 

I have been trying to limit my visits to Santa Barbara, for a few reasons. Gas is one (SO EXPENSIVE). And I don't like leaving my kitty. But mostly, I feel like I live in LA, so I should try to form a life here and come up with things to do on the weekends. But the vast majority of the time my weekends are spent entirely alone, unless you count Mr. Tree. And I always have such an amazing time when I visit SB. So why try to restrict myself based on some idea I have of what I should be doing? Why not just do what makes me happy, since that's my life focus right now?

And Santa Barbara is happiness. 

Concert Style

• Top by D'Mure
• Jeans by Express
• Beetle ring by Guess
• Rhinestone bracelet by Forever 21
• Jewel necklace by Forever 21
• Leopard Flats by Forever 21

"And I could not love, 'cause I could not love myself..."

Chairlift

Gotye

Every song was accompanied by amazing
animated videos.  

Somebody loves me.

My little Bentley was throwing a fit this morning, for no reason that I could see. Meooowing and whiiiining and fussssssing.

Per usual, I decided to punish him with love. He likes to pretend my affections are ruining his life.

So I snatched him up, squeezed him tight, and expected him to pull away from me with his customary look of total disdain.

Instead, he completely melted into me, buried his face in my neck, and sighed.

Aww.

Also, he recognizes the sound of my car, and starts crying before I even open my car door.

It's so nice to feel loved.

Quote of the Day

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am 

learning how to sail my ship." 

-Louisa May Alcott

Positivity

For the first time in a long time, I feel the shiny spark of a good mood in my soul.

I will not complain anymore, no! I will embrace this beautiful world, and smile, and know that life could be so much worse.

Today's good things:

*Summer rain. I LOVE SUMMER RAIN. So cleansing.

*I successfully resisted the spread of unhealthy carbalicious Thai food available for Wednesday work lunch, and filled up on proteins (mmm garlic chicken) and salad. I'm unreasonably proud of myself. I fucking love Thai food.

*My bank account currently ends in .00. It's the little things. And it's incentive not to spend money.

*I heard back from one of my applications yesterday and had to complete an online assessment. Pretty sure I aced it. I would rock this job! Good vibes, please.

*I also successfully avoided the temptation of delicious Corner Bakery desserts. Their sugar cookies are criminally good. Last week I ate five. Today, NONE.

*Bonding.

*This song makes me feel happy feelings.

*It's basically Thursday which means tomorrow is Friday...

*And on Saturday, I am going to see Gotye at the Santa Barbara Bowl with one of my absolute favorite people in the world. I expect it to be a magical night. Wheeee!

Failure to Launch

Yeah, see below? That 30 Day Shred Challenge thing?

Fuck that. I fail.

I did it the first day, and it sucked. Not because my body couldn't handle it, but because my mind couldn't. It made me agitated, and cranky. When I tried to do it the second day, something inside me snapped, and I completely burst into tears, threw my sneakers at the wall, and then sat on my ass the entirety of a three day weekend, and moped. And ate.

I don't fucking know, dude. Don't ask me.

I just needed to be in my cave. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to blog, or go to yoga, or run errands, I didn't want to do anything. I sat. I cried intermittently. I avoided the phone. I made pancakes. I tried to figure out what the hell has gone wrong in my brain.

I have emerged from my cave. I sort of feel better. Thus far today, you know, in the two hours I've been awake, I haven't cried or eaten anything terrible. Progress.

I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Even though I've been "off plan" for a few weeks now, I've spent the entirety of that time beating myself up about it. Criticizing myself. Calling myself names. Tying my emotional state to my physical one. Not seeing myself as I am. Trying to force myself to do things I don't want to do.

Apparently, I really really don't want to do 30 Day Shred.

So I'm giving myself permission not to, for now. My new life philosophy, if it doesn't make me happy, I'm not doing it. (Unless I, you know...have to. Work. Blech.) I need to get back to yoga. I need to focus on getting my good habits back, on cooking and planning and eating well. I need to start proactively making changes in my life instead of just bitching about what I don't have. (I applied to four jobs yesterday! Yay!)

My one success is that I haven't weighed myself since Saturday. But considering what I've put in my body since then, I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

Is there an actual reset button somewhere that I could hit? Maybe punching myself in the nose?

Okay, seriously guys. This time. I'm back.

No-Scale September Shred Challenge

Standard Weight Watchers protocol is to weigh yourself just once a week, same time same place. It keeps you from obsessing, it teaches you to disassociate your good habits from a number on a scale, it shows your overall progress without room for flukes and fluctuations. So once a week, you step on your scale and log that number, and you're done.

Well, I don't do that.

I'm a daily weigher. More than that, I'm a multiple-times-daily weigher. Pretty much whenever I go into my bathroom, I step on my scale. (Taylor brand. It seemed apropos.) I like seeing how different things like exercise or food affect the number, I like when my lighter morning weight becomes my evening weight, I like seeing the overall downward trends and how sushi makes me temporarily fat. (It's the sodium, yo.) I like keeping myself on track by reminding myself of where I'm at. Also, I just like confirmation of the number. The more times I see it, the more real it is.

I used to have a very bad scale problem. My emotional well-being was tied directly to the number on the screen, and my dieting would be completely thrown off by a random gain or unexpected loss. "Oh, I've gained weight, obviously I will always be fat so let's EAT!" or "Oh, I've lost weight, that means I can EAT!" Basically, everything was a reason to EAT.

Since starting WW again in January, I've really had a pretty good handle on my scale obsession. Fluctuations didn't bother me, I just liked keeping an eye on my daily progress. But my recent downward spiral has caused my bad habits to resurface again. I have been frustrated. The number on the scale has been taunting me.

The last few weeks, I've tried putting my scale away in my closet, intending to only pull it out on Wednesdays. That hasn't totally worked out. The scale calls to me, whispers little threats from inside the box of hats on my top shelf. "Take me out...you know you want to...WHAT IF YOU'RE FAT AGAIN!?"

So, I had a thought. Maybe I should put my scale away for a WHOLE MONTH. And see what happens.

Then, that thought grew.

I have avoid weight training or changing up my exercise in any real way because I dread the plateau. I know it's very common to see your weight increase as you start using new muscles, breaking them down, building them up. And even though I know any gains would be a result of toning, and my body would be improving, I still didn't really want to deal with it. Silly, I know. I've been planning to tackle Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, but I was petrified that it might derail my mental state. But, my mental state is already pretty derailed.

SO!

In September, my scale is going to remain locked in the trunk of my car, Marilyn the Jetta. She will guard it bravely. And every single damn day in September, I am going to do the 30 Day Shred DVD. (Okay, wait, maybe that's too lofty of a goal. I'll give myself five skip days for the month? That seems fair. Setting myself up for failure is always a bad idea.) In addition, I'll still be going to yoga at least 3x a week.

This challenge has a number of desired outcomes:

1) I'll prove I can stick with healthy habits without the positive reinforcement of weekly losses.
2) I will challenge myself to shake up my exercise routine and push my body to new limits.
3) I'll learn to gauge my progress by what I see and how I feel, not some arbitrary number.
4) My self-control will be tested in multiple ways and I'll show myself that I am stronger than my impulses.

I did today's workout already, and I'm...well, pretty unenthusiastic about this self-challenge now that it's actually begun. I've done 30 Day Shred Before, I know how it goes, and today I was just...so. Fucking. BORED. Hopefully I can come up with ways to make it exciting and fun for myself, because I will succeed!

LET'S DO IT.