Failure to Launch

Yeah, see below? That 30 Day Shred Challenge thing?

Fuck that. I fail.

I did it the first day, and it sucked. Not because my body couldn't handle it, but because my mind couldn't. It made me agitated, and cranky. When I tried to do it the second day, something inside me snapped, and I completely burst into tears, threw my sneakers at the wall, and then sat on my ass the entirety of a three day weekend, and moped. And ate.

I don't fucking know, dude. Don't ask me.

I just needed to be in my cave. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to blog, or go to yoga, or run errands, I didn't want to do anything. I sat. I cried intermittently. I avoided the phone. I made pancakes. I tried to figure out what the hell has gone wrong in my brain.

I have emerged from my cave. I sort of feel better. Thus far today, you know, in the two hours I've been awake, I haven't cried or eaten anything terrible. Progress.

I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Even though I've been "off plan" for a few weeks now, I've spent the entirety of that time beating myself up about it. Criticizing myself. Calling myself names. Tying my emotional state to my physical one. Not seeing myself as I am. Trying to force myself to do things I don't want to do.

Apparently, I really really don't want to do 30 Day Shred.

So I'm giving myself permission not to, for now. My new life philosophy, if it doesn't make me happy, I'm not doing it. (Unless I, you know...have to. Work. Blech.) I need to get back to yoga. I need to focus on getting my good habits back, on cooking and planning and eating well. I need to start proactively making changes in my life instead of just bitching about what I don't have. (I applied to four jobs yesterday! Yay!)

My one success is that I haven't weighed myself since Saturday. But considering what I've put in my body since then, I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

Is there an actual reset button somewhere that I could hit? Maybe punching myself in the nose?

Okay, seriously guys. This time. I'm back.