Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Online Dating Primer: You will not get a reply if...

So, I signed up for OKCupid around noon on a Thursday. By the time I woke up Friday morning, I had 56 messages. 

LA is clearly a hotbed of online dating activity.

Obviously, it slowed down immediately, but I'm still getting up to 15-25 a day. It's pretty nuts and fun for the ego. Obviously x2, I am not interested in all these guys, and I don't have the time to reply to them. I think a "thanks but no thanks" email is crueler than no reply at all. They can imagine me dead, if they like. Saves their self-esteem. 

I can assess pretty quickly if I'm going to reply to a message, sometimes without even clicking on the profile. 

You will not get a reply if...

*Your message is stupid.
*Your message is pretentious.
*I think you look creepy.
*I think you look boring.
*I think you look douchey.
*You have the same name as someone I'm already talking to. Sorry, should have been speedier, I can't keep you all straight as it is.
*You make an obvious grammar or spelling error in your message. How long does it take to proofread, I mean really?
*Your email could easily be copy-pasted. Try to make it look like you read SOMETHING in my profile.
*You say "sup", "ur hot", "wats up" or "yo".
*There are no capital letters in your profile.
*There are no words in your profile.
*The word "kewl" appears in your profile.
*Your profile is stupid. 
*You love Jesus more than you'll ever love me.
*You love run-on sentences.
*You love trucker hats.
*You have no picture.
*Your pictures aren't of your face.
*Your pictures are all mirror-shots.
*Your pictures are all shirtless.
*Your pictures are stupid.
*You look lighter than me.
*You look shorter than me.
*You look younger than me.
*You look like an ex-boyfriend.
*You look stupid. 

I reserve the right to update this list in perpetuity. 

4 comments:

  1. can you also add to your list:

    *If your hair is longer than mine
    *If your beard is longer than my hair
    *Your profile picture includes you posing next to Elmo

    and yes, I have gotten all of the above

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHA! You made me literally laugh out loud. Amazing contributions.

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  2. love! love! love! we are the same person. it is so true.

    minus the capital letter thing... i hate capital letters and refrain from using them unless in a design or a professional environment! everything else is a go =)

    you are one hot mama!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will forgive you your lack of capital letters 'cause you're so darn cute!

      Delete