Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Online Dating Primer: You will not get a reply if...

So, I signed up for OKCupid around noon on a Thursday. By the time I woke up Friday morning, I had 56 messages. 

LA is clearly a hotbed of online dating activity.

Obviously, it slowed down immediately, but I'm still getting up to 15-25 a day. It's pretty nuts and fun for the ego. Obviously x2, I am not interested in all these guys, and I don't have the time to reply to them. I think a "thanks but no thanks" email is crueler than no reply at all. They can imagine me dead, if they like. Saves their self-esteem. 

I can assess pretty quickly if I'm going to reply to a message, sometimes without even clicking on the profile. 

You will not get a reply if...

*Your message is stupid.
*Your message is pretentious.
*I think you look creepy.
*I think you look boring.
*I think you look douchey.
*You have the same name as someone I'm already talking to. Sorry, should have been speedier, I can't keep you all straight as it is.
*You make an obvious grammar or spelling error in your message. How long does it take to proofread, I mean really?
*Your email could easily be copy-pasted. Try to make it look like you read SOMETHING in my profile.
*You say "sup", "ur hot", "wats up" or "yo".
*There are no capital letters in your profile.
*There are no words in your profile.
*The word "kewl" appears in your profile.
*Your profile is stupid. 
*You love Jesus more than you'll ever love me.
*You love run-on sentences.
*You love trucker hats.
*You have no picture.
*Your pictures aren't of your face.
*Your pictures are all mirror-shots.
*Your pictures are all shirtless.
*Your pictures are stupid.
*You look lighter than me.
*You look shorter than me.
*You look younger than me.
*You look like an ex-boyfriend.
*You look stupid. 

I reserve the right to update this list in perpetuity. 


  1. can you also add to your list:

    *If your hair is longer than mine
    *If your beard is longer than my hair
    *Your profile picture includes you posing next to Elmo

    and yes, I have gotten all of the above

    1. HAHAHA! You made me literally laugh out loud. Amazing contributions.

  2. love! love! love! we are the same person. it is so true.

    minus the capital letter thing... i hate capital letters and refrain from using them unless in a design or a professional environment! everything else is a go =)

    you are one hot mama!

    1. I will forgive you your lack of capital letters 'cause you're so darn cute!