Online Dating Primer: You will not get a reply if...

So, I signed up for OKCupid around noon on a Thursday. By the time I woke up Friday morning, I had 56 messages. 

LA is clearly a hotbed of online dating activity.

Obviously, it slowed down immediately, but I'm still getting up to 15-25 a day. It's pretty nuts and fun for the ego. Obviously x2, I am not interested in all these guys, and I don't have the time to reply to them. I think a "thanks but no thanks" email is crueler than no reply at all. They can imagine me dead, if they like. Saves their self-esteem. 

I can assess pretty quickly if I'm going to reply to a message, sometimes without even clicking on the profile. 

You will not get a reply if...

*Your message is stupid.
*Your message is pretentious.

*I think you look creepy.

*I think you look boring.

*I think you look douchey.

*You have the same name as someone I'm already talking to. Sorry, should have been speedier, I can't keep you all straight as it is.

*You make an obvious grammar or spelling error in your message. How long does it take to proofread, I mean really?

*Your email could easily be copy-pasted. Try to make it look like you read SOMETHING in my profile.

*You say "sup", "ur hot", "wats up" or "yo".

*There are no capital letters in your profile.

*There are no words in your profile.

*The word "kewl" appears in your profile.

*Your profile is stupid. 

*You love Jesus more than you'll ever love me.

*You love run-on sentences.

*You love trucker hats.

*You have no picture.

*Your pictures aren't of your face.

*Your pictures are all mirror-shots.

*Your pictures are all shirtless.

*Your pictures are stupid.

*You look lighter than me.

*You look shorter than me.
*You look younger than me.

*You look like an ex-boyfriend.

*You look stupid. 

I reserve the right to update this list in perpetuity.