In Betweening

So, of all the things in the world that one should complain about, this one falls to the very bottom of the list. But it's still fucking frustrating.

NONE OF MY CLOTHES FIT.

I know, I know, whinewhinewhine, POOR ME. But seriously. I have a closet full of adorable things that just no longer flatter me. Dresses that fit for the last 40 pounds now have billowing fabric around my hips, tricking my eyes into thinking I'm still wide. Shirts hang low on my chest, showing excessive amounts of cleavage that my mother would have something to say about. I've outgrown two rounds of jeans since January, and nothing makes me feel less cute than saggy-ass-syndrome. I'm in that in between stage where I'm not quite where I want to be, but so much better off than I was.

Last week one of the girls at work set out a challenge for us all to wear dresses/skirts/primarily no jeans the whole week. (Of course, I was mistakenly left off the email and didn't know about this until I showed up in jeans on Monday, but I digress.) I made do for the week, but honestly my options were pretty limited. And I had two dates lined up this weekend, and baggy saggy clothes just would not do.


I've had great luck in the past selling old clothes at a Crossroads Trading Company and finding great, CHEAP new old things. I hit the Santa Monica location on Saturday and had way less luck with selling than at the Silverlake location, so I guess I'll be taking a drive over there soon. They only bought ONE dress! I did, however, walk away with two pairs of jeans and four tops for a grand total, with my $8 credit, of $45. Amazing.

• Gray jeans by Blank Jeans NYC
• Dark jeans by Forever 21
• Black Floral Top by Forever 21
• White Floral Tank by Brandy Melville
• Black Bow Top by Freeway
• Black and Gold Tank by Glam

I don't want to throw away a bunch of money on things that won't fit me in another three months, but I also need to feel confident now, and not let myself schlump around in two sizes too large attire that makes me feel like I'm still just as big.

And, man, I forgot how fun shopping could be.

This is why I need unlimited cash.

And a new job.

Or a sugar daddy.

GirlTalk Texts, Penis Envy Edition

Her: My vagina and I are no longer on speaking terms. I'm selling it on Craigslist, thinking of installing a penis, bathrooms would be much easier!

Me: Hahaha truth. And you could swing it around and feel all powerful.

Her: Yup! I like this plan!

Me: I've always wanted a penis so I have something to grab.

Her: Yeah, I like grabbing my boobs but they're just less sword-like and powerful feeling.

Me: Indeed. I need something phallic like a gun or a nice car.

Her: I already like cars so I've got that part down.

Me: Excellent. Next stop, mustache!

Her: Haha, just gotta stop getting rid of it and I'll check that one off too.

Me: You are SO close to manliness. Need a trophy skank?

Her: Would you like to be mine? I'll buy you pretty things.

Me: You betcha. I'm great in bed and will cook you dinner.

Her: Perfect.

The Mental Shift

I'm approaching the end of my fifth month on Weight Watchers, and not to sound like a heinous braggart or anything, but it hasn't gotten hard yet. I keep waiting for it to. I keep waiting for the shiny newness to wear off, I expected to get frustrated with tracking and limitations and planning. I thought by now I would have fallen off plan for a week or two and have to drag myself back to basics, I thought I'd miss pasta and pizza and butter, I thought I'd have more moments of doubt.

Not to say I haven't slipped up. Of course I have. There was a spoon/Nutella/peanut butter incident last week that was regrettable. But I've always righted myself, got back on track, and never once have felt like giving up. Talking with my mom this weekend about my progress, I think I've figured out why this time is so different than every time before.

For years, I just could not get over the concept of "fair". It wasn't fair that I was naturally bigger and had been since middle school, it wasn't fair that my thin friends could eat the same exact things as me and never gain a pound, it wasn't fair that even if I lost weight I would have to watch what I ate for the rest of my life. Every diet ended up crashing and burning under the weight of what was fair. I would get overwhelmed with the entirety of my life stretching out ahead of me, devoid of the freedom to eat what I wanted and live like I wanted. I would see my future as a prison with constant fear of being fat again, and I would crumble and give up. What I wanted was to be as lazy and self-indulgent as I wanted, with no consequences, and of course that was impossible. Unfuckingfair.


But, to put it in the simplest cliche I can, life isn't all that fair, is it? And dwelling on the unfair was getting me nowhere. Realizing that was the final part of the mental shift that has made it so much easier to lose weight.

The shift began about two years ago when I was in therapy for six months with a nutritionist and disordered eating specialist. I never went to any truly unhealthy extremes with restrictive eating or purging, but I was definitely not healthy mentally and teetered on the edge of some very self-destructive behaviors. I was very sad, very lonely, full of self-loathing, and I couldn't fix myself. I tried and tried and tried to diet, to eat well, and would always bounce between extremes, 700 calories one day and 4,000 the next, eating myself sick, a slight increase on the scale would break my heart, and I just couldn't figure out why I always ended up hiding in my car with a bag of fast food, crying.

My therapist and I did discuss healthy options, calorie intake, and working out. But our primary focus was the why. Why was it that I treated my body the way I did, why did I feel such terror and anxiety over exercise and food, why did I tie so much of my self-worth into my weight. I identified the thoughts and fears that constantly tripped me up, we unpacked the meaning behind my irrational feelings about family and friends, and she let me know that no matter the crazy things that go through my mind, I'm not the only one dealing with this struggle.

Working with my therapist did not instantly fix me. In fact, in the months after I stopped seeing her, I actually gained even more weight, getting up to my highest number ever, just ounces away from that dreaded 200. But the number was no longer the point. What I needed from her was the permission to be exactly who I was, and eat and do exactly what I wanted, and have that be okay. I heavily researched the concept of "fat acceptance", read the entirety of Kate Harding's Shapely Prose archives, and let go of "The Fantasy of Being Thin", the idea that weight loss will fix every disappointment in your life. I tried hard to believe I was beautiful no matter what my size. I broke up with a toxic boyfriend who contributed to my bad habits. I started to work on accepting myself for everything that I could or couldn't change, and reminded myself of all of things that make me awesome.

Allowing myself to be happy with who I am made all the difference. And after letting myself rest for a year, after eating whatever the hell I wanted every moment of the day and exercising not at all, a funny thing happened.

I started to want to change. Not to make anyone else happy. Not to make myself look better. Not to fill a hole in my heart. I just wanted to.

And I have.

This is what I've learned: until you truly accept and love yourself just as you are, you cannot and will not change. You cannot move forward from a place of self-hatred, only self-love will give you the motivation and inspiration you need to make the most of your life. People always say that taking care of your body and staying healthy is a gift you give to yourself, but that never made sense to me until recently. Treating myself and my body with love is not a prison sentence for the rest of my life. It's the only way I can be truly happy.

Visual Memories: July 11th, 2007, 2:11 PM - Hanalei, Hawaii

May Challenge Update

I've been slacking on my May challenges.

I'm just about right on track with my calorie burn, 5585/8000 with plenty of classes on my calendar for the rest of the month. I plan to go either tonight or tomorrow, or both if I'm fancy, and I plan to kick it into high gear starting Wednesday. Four weeks until Spaaaaain! I don't think I'll be bikini ready, but I'll at least look great in a one-piece.

I haven't been taking my computer home every night, good for me, but I have not been able to resist the pull of my Roku box and endless episodes of the wonderfully terrible "Make It Or Break It". I haven't even cracked a book.

I am NOT using my time at work constructively. I am KIND OF sticking to my budget. And as far as cooking, I've been so lazy. I didn't buy any groceries whatsoever the first half of the month, which means I've already blown through my eating out monies...sigh. Luckily I've still been totally on plan as far as my food choices, but I definitely need to get back into the kitchen.

You know, once I clean it.

I've made a few meals at home, though, and have discovered my absolute new favorite meal.

SHRIMP TACOS.

La Tortilla Factory low carb/high fiber wraps, shrimp,
salsa con queso, greek yogurt, lettuce. 7 pts.

I have also been super fancy and have been making my college diet staple --- known to me as "toad in the hole" but apparently goes by numerous names.

TJ's High Fiber Bread, eggs, cheddar cheese, ketchup. 9 pts.

You're so jealous, I know. I plan to drag my butt to the store later this week and get the ingredients for some Emily Bites cupcake meals. Then I might branch out and even try a recipe from SkinnyTaste. That's some big game I'm talking. We'll see how it goes.

Bridal Shower Style

This weekend I hit the road with my favorite mama to visit San Francisco and my sister, as well as attend the bridal shower of a girl I've known since I was THIS BIG (imagine me waving my hand near my waist). We met in kindergarten, and our parents have been great friends ever since. This family is ridiculous --- three gorgeous daughters, all married off (or soon to be) to high school/college sweethearts. Bitches.

I'm a big fan of road trips, especially with my mom. We never run out of things to talk about, and the 101 from SB to SF has some gorgeous countryside. I almost forget I'm in California. Plus, she didn't take me up on my offer to drive, so I just got to sit. And gossip.

I was eyeing San Francisco with the idea that I may want to live there some day---and I definitely do. You know, in a decade or so, when I have the money to live in a nice place and have a parking spot. Ten minutes off the freeway and we saw a dude in a tutu. Good times. 

The shower was gorgeous. A warm sunny day, an outdoor patio, and custom M&Ms that matched the bride's wedding colors. Now I want to get married just so I can get some Le Creuset and a crock pot. 

I've been digging through my closet these last few weeks, getting rid of the too big and finding out that things that now fit aren't even that cute. I gave my mom a few items that needed a new zipper here, a new seam there, and I had planned to wear one of my favorite dresses to the bridal shower. Unfortunately, it's now too big, but that didn't stop me. I just slapped on a cardigan and I was good to go...except, you know, it was so freaking hot and I couldn't take it off. Ah, how we suffer for fashion.

CHECK OUT THAT CALF MUSCLE.

• Dress by Free People (I LOVES IT SO MUCH. It has boning in the chest, I hope getting it altered down to a smaller size isn't too tough...)
• Cardigan by Halogen (I have two in black, and one in brown. Love.)
• Shoes by Shoedazzle (Still my reigning favorite pair of shoes.)
• Black Plastic Heart Necklace by I Have No Idea (But I wear it a LOT.)
• White Aviators by Vigoss (Marshall's!)

Freaky Friday

There is a giant, inflatable, remote-controlled shark swimming about the office.

Duuuun dun. Duuuun dun.

That is all.

Pretty Things I Want in May

In life, I hate wanting things. If I want something too much I turn into a sizzling knot of white-hot anxiety, and I do not handle disappointment well.

If we're talking pure unadulterated consumerism, I love wanting things. I have tabs open on my browser that haven't been closed in weeks, just so I can click over whenever I like to oogle pretty shiny things that I can't afford. 

Here are May's obsessions for your viewing pleasure.

Blossom iPhone Case from SwitchEasy in Mint

Tied Crochet Dress from NastyGal in Merlot

Dare You Dress from NastyGal

Gold Starfish Cuff from Amazon

Flirty Drop Peach & Mint Earrings by RocksPaperMetal on Etsy

Thursday Thoughts

I often have what I believe to be brilliant insights into the human condition.

I usually forget them a few minutes later. I should really carry a notebook like some pretentious poet with a pencil permanently shoved up their---

Where was I?

Oh, yes, wisdom.

For instance, I have decided that leaving the freezer set to crushed ice is the equivalent to leaving the toilet seat up. If you're ridiculous enough to enjoy crushed ice, which is messy and sharp, then at least have the decency to return the setting to the standard, normal cubed ice. Harrumph.

Also, another thought, prompted by my OKCupid date last night with a British engineer with a beard. Dudes with sexy accents can get away with saying anything. Womenfolk (or gay fellows) are so distracted by the sexy cadence of a foreign man's voice that they aren't even totally listening. I only realized this morning certain things that my Brit date said that bugged me. I had to detox for 12 hours from the accent.

One more brilliant contribution to your day:

Oh, fuck. I forgot.

Another little comparison.

I pinned my little before/during picture to Pinterest yesterday...and had 600 views on the blog within an hour. 

HELLO PEOPLE! *waves* If you've stopped by, say hi!

Of course, being that this is the Internet, someone always has something to say. And apparently someone didn't "buy" my weight loss...because the picture was just of my face.

Let's rectify that.

195ish. 158.

The Time Kevin Bacon Winked At Me

It's story time, children! Gather around, grab your sippy cups, and let me tell you a tale of great importance and meaning.

This one time, Kevin Bacon winked at me.

I was seventeen, and had conned my friend's boyfriend into taking me as his plus one to a Santa Barbara Film Festival after party (she was away at college, I am not a terrible whore). I'd gone with my mother to the ceremony honoring Kevin Bacon for...something, and afterwards went with my friend to the furniture store that was doubling as a party space.

We were definitely the two youngest people there, and we ran into a girl we knew from our high school theater program. The three of us were hovering awkwardly by a display of tacky modern glass cabinets, when Mr. Bacon himself strode by with a few big burly security guards.

I totally stared, obviously. My eyes were probably bugging out and I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open, cartoon-like.

Have I mentioned how much I love Bacon?

So as he sauntered by, all movie-star like, he glanced my way and smiled. Then winked. And kept on his way.

FLOOR.

Obviously this was more of a "look at that adorable child gawking at me"-wink as opposed to a "check out that sexy fox"-wink, but I'll take it.

I consider the Baconwink one of the most defining moments of my life. I even have it in my dating profile. 'Cause who doesn't want to date a girl who got winked at by Kevin Bacon?

True story.

GirlTalk Texts, OKCupid Edition

K: There are a lot of long haired, bearded, video game playing LARP-ing nerds in Seattle. And they are all on OKCupid.

T: Ain't that the sad truth.

K: I'm not even getting creepers messaging me anymore. Just nothing.

Me: It's different in different cities, maybe OKC just isn't the site!

K: I think options of men in Seattle just suck all around.

Me: Could very well be the case.

K: What am I supposed to dooo???

Me: ...witchcraft?

Visual Memories: August 5th, 2007, 9:16PM - Edinburgh, Scotland

Online Dating Primer: You will not get a reply if...

So, I signed up for OKCupid around noon on a Thursday. By the time I woke up Friday morning, I had 56 messages. 

LA is clearly a hotbed of online dating activity.

Obviously, it slowed down immediately, but I'm still getting up to 15-25 a day. It's pretty nuts and fun for the ego. Obviously x2, I am not interested in all these guys, and I don't have the time to reply to them. I think a "thanks but no thanks" email is crueler than no reply at all. They can imagine me dead, if they like. Saves their self-esteem. 

I can assess pretty quickly if I'm going to reply to a message, sometimes without even clicking on the profile. 

You will not get a reply if...

*Your message is stupid.
*Your message is pretentious.

*I think you look creepy.

*I think you look boring.

*I think you look douchey.

*You have the same name as someone I'm already talking to. Sorry, should have been speedier, I can't keep you all straight as it is.

*You make an obvious grammar or spelling error in your message. How long does it take to proofread, I mean really?

*Your email could easily be copy-pasted. Try to make it look like you read SOMETHING in my profile.

*You say "sup", "ur hot", "wats up" or "yo".

*There are no capital letters in your profile.

*There are no words in your profile.

*The word "kewl" appears in your profile.

*Your profile is stupid. 

*You love Jesus more than you'll ever love me.

*You love run-on sentences.

*You love trucker hats.

*You have no picture.

*Your pictures aren't of your face.

*Your pictures are all mirror-shots.

*Your pictures are all shirtless.

*Your pictures are stupid.

*You look lighter than me.

*You look shorter than me.
*You look younger than me.

*You look like an ex-boyfriend.

*You look stupid. 

I reserve the right to update this list in perpetuity. 

Things I Think At Work

"It's Monday, I shouldn't have to do any real work."

"It's Friday, I shouldn't have to do any real work."

(while watching someone walk towards my desk)
"Don't talk to me don't talk to me don't talk to me."

"What time is it?"

"NOW what time is it?"

"I swear the clock just moved backwards."

"I'm so bored I'm hungry. I'm borngry."

"I need more Diet Coke."

"I need to pet a puppy."

"I need a nap."

"Should I fake a headache?"

"I think I'm getting sick..."

"No. Stay strong. You can be sick TOMORROW."

Visual Memories: July 9th, 2011, 7:15PM - Santa Monica Pier, California

The Good and the Bad: Weight Loss Edition

Good things about losing weight:

• My collarbones are sexy as fuck.
• My feet hurt way less in heels.
• When I cross my legs all lady-like, they stay that way.
• When squeezing between tables at a restaurant I worry less about knocking things over.
• My cheekbones. 
• My ass.
• Contorting my body into new yoga poses.
• Climbing a staircase and not feeling out of breath.
• Laying in bed and feeling small.
• Looking in the mirror and loving what I see...or at least, not completely hating it.

Bad things about losing weight:

• I'm turning into a terrible narcissist and can't stop taking pictures of myself.
• None of my clothes fit and I'm too poor to buy all the pretty new stuff I want.
• Mr. Tree has less cushion for the pushin'...with his paws, of my belly.
• I feel guilty when I indulge even if it's planned.
• I feel strangely more vulnerable in public, like I'm more visible even though there's less of me.
• The more I lose, the more I want to lose. 

Mother's Day Style

My mother is better than your mother.

I realized competition isn't really the point of this holiday, but it's just a fact. She's pretty damn awesome.

We celebrated the holiday by seeing "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen" (very cute) and eating a delicious dinner at Safire in Camarillo, the halfway point between LA and Santa Barbara. Any chance I have to spend time with my parents is very much appreciated, which is one of the things that makes my life especially charmed.

I'm slowly starting to realize this.

So, we had a blast. I made her a pair of earrings, which she liked:

And I dressed purty.

• Dress by S Point (From Marshalls, of course. I tried it on and imagined myself in Spain. SOLD. And...it's a small. Hee.)
• Blazer by Kut from the Kloth (A Christmas gift from my mother two years ago. She has great taste, I love this jacket.)
• Wedges by Wet Seal (I have had these things since I was 13 or 14. No joke. They have never gone out of style and remain the most comfortable pair of heels I own.)
• Top Bracelet by Moi! (Chain maille from class. I love it.) Necklace and Bottom Bracelet from High School (I believe I bought the set for my senior homecoming.)
• Purse by Coach (Hand me down from my sister! Where most of my nice stuff comes from.)

A little comparison.

195ish. 160ish.

Don't Forget This Feeling

The brain is a funny thing. It tricks you, lies to you, runs a film strip of all your doubts and insecurities even while you're screaming in your head "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Even when you consciously know what you want, what you need, there's something unknown tripping you up, tangling your thoughts, being all self-destructive and shit. It's the worst.

My example: I love hot yoga. I LOVE IT. It's painful and suffocating and hard, but it makes me feel so centered and strong and proud. So why, pray tell, do I fight myself every time I plan to practice? My body will naturally wake me up in time for 6AM class, as if it's begging me to go, and my brain will keep me in bed, begging for just a tiny bit more sleep, we can go after work, and I fight with myself until it's too late...and then all day at work, I plan and plan, my clothes are in the car then by the time 5PM rolls around all motivation is gone, and I end up on my ass with the cat.

It's exhausting. And irritating.

This morning I burned about 800 calories in a killer 75 minute Hot Power Fusion class at CorePower Yoga. I felt in control of my body, I found myself closer to poses that have seemed out of my reach, I hardly spent any time flattened in child's pose with my HR at 190. I feel light, energized, incredible.

I don't know what my damage is. I don't know what holds me back, what piece of the puzzle I have yet to find. All I know is I can't forget this feeling. This is what I should remind myself of when it starts to seem too hard, this is what I have to get addicted to in order to change. This feeling is what I want.


Current Calorie Count: 3306

Post-Date GirlTalk Texts

BFF: Male attention is always a confidence boost.

Me: Agreed! Feminism be damned!


BFF: It's nice he checked in!

Me: Yeah, he seemed nice. BUT THEY ALL SEEM NICE.

BFF: Scary! How'd you find nice ones? Haha

Me: They're fucking liars, all of them.

First Date Style

I have dipped my toe back into the creepy shark-infested waters of online dating. A full post is no doubt forthcoming full of hilarious, brilliant insights about...things. But for now, we're talking about clothes.

Last night was my first date off the site (OKCupid, if you're curious), and my first date since starting to lose weight. I wanted to feel comfortable and look effortless, while still feeling sassy, cute, and confident.

Of course, nothing in my closet was acceptable. I have a woeful lack of cute tops, most of my dresses are too big or too short for bar stool perching, and really, I just wanted something new. I'm shallow like that. Marshall's to the rescue!

(Seriously, if you live in LA, check out the westside Marshall's at Olympic/Sawtelle. It's fucking paradise.)

We'll start with the face. I'm a big fat dork, and I happened to find a YouTube video a few days ago for A First Date Look with Lisa Eldridge. It was pretty close to my normal routine anyway, so I decided to give it a go.

Making awkward faces. 

(The lighting is darker in the before pic, obviously...

I didn't paint my face that white.)

I liked it! I need some better quality eyeliner and I don't actually own an eyelash curler, but I made do. Definitely a fresh and romantic look!

And as for the clothes...

• Embellished Top by Kenar (From Marshalls.)
• Dark Skinny Jeans by Paige (From Marshalls about two months ago, so they're a bit too big. As is my belt...and most of my bras.)
• Lace Cardigan by Miss Chievous (Yes, AGAIN. I promise, next outfit I'll mix it up. Also from Marshalls.)
• Bedazzled Sandals by Adrienne Vittadini (You guessed it, Marshalls.)
• Crossbody Bag from My Mother's Closet (I'm guessing it's from the 80s? I love it for nights out. Added the brooch to cover up a flaw on the leather.)
• Earrings by ME! Claddaghs from Ireland. Feather Ring by Guess.

In Bloom

Visual Memories: April 14th, 2008, 7:26PM - Port Stewart, Northern Ireland

Weekend Snapshots

There's little I love more than a weekend where I am not obligated to anyone but myself.

I get to do things like take epic naps midday, sing Kelly Clarkson while I do the dishes, and never put on pants.

*I went to Friday happy hour and got a little tipsy...

 *I made bacon and egg toast cups from this recipe. They were not quite as pretty as advertised, but they were darn delicious.

*I went to the Sunday morning Farmer's Market that is literally less than a block from my house. I love the location of my apartment. 

*I browsed far too long picking out the perfect flowers to brighten up my week.

*Settled on giant lilies that will no doubt open overnight to say "Good morning!" in the next few days...

*...as well as a beautifully bright spring bouquet that greets me when I step in the door.

*I made some jewelry.

*And was inappropriately violated by a feline.

I hope you all had wonderful weekends!

The Time I Got Molested

I'm in a story-telling mood today, and decided it was time to share my tale about being molested by an old Scottish man.

I was in Edinburgh for a month for the Fringe Festival when I was nineteen. I was reading my Ken Follett in a lovely little park, sun shining, birds chirping, headphones in, when someone sat down next to me. It was a white-haired man in plaid, probably in his 80s, and he immediately struck up a conversation. I'm a polite sort of girl, and try to be nice to the elderly, so I chatted a bit. Gave it maybe ten or fifteen minutes, but I really wanted to read my book and he was clearly not leaving. I lied and claimed had to meet a friend at a coffee shop. He said he'd walk me to the stairs.

So, we stroll. He asks for a hug. I am too nice. And he proceeds to full on grab my boob and pat it ever so lovingly, while saying, "I'm your niiiiice Scottish friend. I'm your niiiice Scottish friend."

I pushed the fucker and ran away. 

True story. 

Happy May!

I love the start of a new month. I can imagine all sorts of positive changes coming when the calendar turns, I feel the freedom to fix my habits and solve my issues. Plus, May (as you may know) comes just before June, and in June I'm going to Spain! Then in July, a very old friend's wedding, my best friend's birthday, and another friend is moving back to LA. In August, Santa Barbara Fiesta, a few concerts, and Vegas with my group of girlfriends.

Good things coming up, is what I'm saying.

Plus, I have a plan for this month. Goals, if you will. I like goals. And plans. And rewards for following through on my goals, and plans. I like the simplicity of following an outline, which is why WW works so well for me. And of course, I love lists.

So, this month I will...

*Burn 8,000 calories. (100 APs in WW-speak.)
*Go on a tech fast---no screen 3 weeknights per week. Laptop stays at work. TV stays off.
*Stick to my budget.
*Try one new recipe per week.
*Use my time at work more constructively.

Should be easy as pie. Not that I find pie to be particularly easy, if we're talking about the making of said pie, though eating it is simple enough.

Anyway....Happy May!