If nothing else, it's made me aware of the fact that boy do I lie a lot.
Lies slip out of my mouth so easily I barely have time to register them before they're gone. Maybe not lies. Half-truths. Twisted honesty. Slight deceptions. Retelling facts.
I don't understand it. Why? When did it start? It makes me feel like a terrible person.
Maybe I am.
I really don't lie about anything substantial, truly. Nothing that changes the fundamental truth of my life, or anyone else's. My lies are surface and sustainable and never caught because they don't fucking matter. So why do I do it? Is it seriously compulsive?
On this blog, too. I have a disclaimer that allows for fudging of facts, there under about me, which is partially because I don't want this blog to incriminate anyone besides myself, and also for creativity's sake, plus, I want it anonymous-ish and untraceable-esque. I need to be able to mess with the facts. Plenty of people I know have the link, but if it's found I want to be able to distance myself from it with a disclaimer. But as far as I'm concerned my truth does come out as much as possible on these screens, from my perspective. That disclaimer really does only sit there so if someone like a guy were to find my blog and contest his portrayal, or my commentary, I could fight it, because...I do lie...
I'm truly am sometimes a shitty person.
But...sometimes a lie is okay, right?
Sometimes it's just so much easier to lie than to tell the truth because the truth is too embarrassing, or too revealing, or painful, or honest. Sometimes people don't want to hear it, or they really do deserve the lie.
Sometimes I'm lying to "how are you".
Sometimes it's just a lie about nothing.
Sometimes I don't even know it's a lie when I say it.
I don't know how to learn to speak my truth when I don't know what my truth is.
Satya is hard.
And I'm a fucking liar.