Friday, September 27, 2013

Failure To Launch

Okay, breakup was a no go. Didn't happen.

Originally, Thumper was going to come over to my place, then I realized I couldn't very well have him drive all the way to me to get dumped without being a total bitch in the situation. So I offered to drive to him, which then resulted in him trying to get me to meet him and his friends for a beer. No. No no no no no. That could not happen. So I cancelled.


So, I guess I should just go ahead and explain why this breakup is happening, even though it hasn't happened yet. I feel shitty about doing so, since I planned to actually do the deed before broadcasting the details to the world, but since I'm fairly certain Thumper remains oblivious to the existence of this blog, I'm gonna.

But just in case...


It's pretty simple. It's just...not there. The spark. The connection. That thing you're supposed to feel, that electric something. The intangible. The thing you can't fake, no matter how hard you try.

I wish it was. I want it to be. I really, really do. Thumper is everything I could want in a guy. On paper, he's really the perfect boy for me---he's smart and funny and kind and cute and successful and supportive and so similar to me in so many ways. We have so much fun hanging out. I really think he gets me, as a person, and appreciates me.

He likes me. That much is clear. And I do like him. I do.

Which is why I feel like the shittiest person in the world when I say that I just...don't feel it enough. When I look at him, when I kiss's not the way it should be, after over two months. I've given it time, I've tried to let it grow, and it hasn't. Maybe it can't.

What I want? It isn't him. And what he wants isn't me.

Since I've decided this, I've felt awful, and guilty, and tortured, and and awful. And I've felt awful about feeling awful, because this shouldn't be about me, right? I'm not the one getting dumped. And then I feel awful about feeling awful that I think he'll feel awful, because how do I know he will? And then I'm cycling into a pit of total self-loathing.

I really should adjust my meds. 

I haven't been questioning my decision, though. Because with each fawning and flirty text Thumper has sent me over the last few days, texts I cannot reciprocate or acknowledge in any way lest I lead him on, a pricking knife drives deeper into my conscience, and I know I'm doing the right thing. Because he deserves better than someone who doesn't fully appreciate him and his sweetness. I don't understand why I can't, honestly. He's quite literally the best guy I've ever dated, no one else has ever treated me this well, and I can't fathom why I can't feel the way about him I want to feel. 

But...I clearly don't. And I can't try to force it. To date Thumper any longer past this point would be inauthentic, untrue to myself and a lie to him. That's not fair. 

And not what I want.

What I want is something pure and passionate, real and spontaneous. Something honest. I want to meet someone, and just feel it. Not meet someone, and hope it grows. I want to have a first date last for hours, talk until our throats are dry and the bar is closing down. I don't want to hope for the conversation next time to be better, or different. I need a touch to be electric, eye contact to speak volumes, not things to be tentative, need permission, ask questions. I want to be surprised, not comfortable, challenged, not surrendered to. I just want something different and new and unknown. 

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