Seeking Life Planner

I would like to hire someone to run my life.

You will tell me what to eat, say, and do. You will tell me when to get my less-fat-but-still-squishy ass off the couch and go work out. You will be in charge of what I wear, when I pee, and when I am allowed to text boys. I will not be trusted to make any decisions, even if the decision is simply white or red wine.

I don't want any responsibility for my life. I get so anxious over choices, whether they were right or wrong, I second guess things I said weeks ago and wonder if they're coming back to bite me in the ass. I have paranoia. I assume the worst, always, despite the fact that I like to think of myself as an optimist. A normal event can be interpreted by my brain as the END OF THE FUCKING WORLD.

I have no money, but I will pay you in love and kitty cuddles and cooking. As long as you tell me what I'm making.